*   *   *   *   *

            Her feet traced soft, slow circles into the grey/blue carpet.  The kind of carpet that would cost much more than what was hanging out in my savings and checking account combined.  I watched her feet for a moment, then my eyes traveled up to her face.  Her sad, shadowy face.  She stared down at her circling feet, but I doubted whether or not she actually saw them.  Or maybe she did and the constant motion kept her from feeling the broken heart that beat weakly in her chest.

            “Grandma, lets go somewhere.”  The sound of my own voice in the heavily silent room made me jump.  She didn’t move or look up.  I bit my lip waiting for an answer.  Finally, her feet stopped moving.  She looked up at me with this new stone face that now covered the old face I had loved.  I realized then how much I missed that old face.

            “Where?” 

            “I don’t know.”

            “I’m out of coffee.  I suppose we could go out and get some.”

            “Yes!  Yes, that sounds great.”  The excitement overwhelmed me.  I wasn’t entirely sure where it had come from, but I figured it was the desperate need to get out of that house.  That big, dark house.

            We sat in the same coffee shop that Jade and I had met in earlier.  Now it was darker and a small jazz group played softly in the back corner.  Smoke smothered the little bit of oxygen in the room.  My grandmother and I contributed our fair share to the giant cloud.

            Smoke danced in the dull spotlight placed on the two women and one man band.  I focused on my smoke that danced over the tiny flame from the little votive candle on our table.  We sat silently and released our puffs into the poisoned air.  All of the “cool” people milled around.  Some dressed as punks, a few dressed as preps, and many dressed in a combination.  A few shook their butts near the corner where the band played and a few were making out on  the couches that were pushed against the walls.

            Here I sat at a small round table with my grandmother facing me.  I honestly couldn’t think of a better way to spend this evening.  She seemed in a much better mood now that we were out of that house.

            Hey, I got one for ya.”  She said and proceeded to tell me a dirty joke.  I choked on my coffee when she hit me with the punchline.

            “Mia?”   My head jerked up at the nearby voice.  I turned to the left and found Jack two tables away with two girls and a guy.  He smiled and left his group. 

            “Hey, Jack.”  I began to wonder if he was really there or if I was scaring the crap out of that punk with the purple mohawk.

            “So, how’ve you been?”

            “Um, not too bad.  You?”

            “Pretty good, actually.”  He glanced over to my grandmother.

            “Oh, this is my grandmother, Ms. Johnson.  Grandma, this is Jack.”

            “Nice to meet you.”  He said, reaching out his hand.

            “You, too.”

            “Well, I’m sorry I interrupted.”

            “No, no.  Y-you didn’t.” I stumbled over my words.

            “I have to get back, so maybe I’ll see you around?”

            “Yeah.  Maybe.”  I smiled as he walked away.  Four cigarettes later, Jack and his group left. 

            “So, how do you know Jack?”  My grandmother asked with a grin.

            “He’s friends with my friend’s boyfriend.  We met at a party he threw a couple of months ago.”

            “Uh, huh.”

            “And that’s it.”

            “Hm.  You really like that boy, don’t you?”

            “What?  No.  No, not really.  We’re just friends, ya know?”

            “Uh, huh.”

            “Grandma!  Really, it’s nothing.  Wait, do you think that he thinks that I like him?  I mean, was it obvious?”

            “Sweety, it is no big deal.  I’m sure he has no idea.  He is a guy, after all.”

            “Yeah.  You’re right.”  We take a few puffs in silence.

            “So, you really like him, don’t you?”

            “Grandma.”  I sighed.  “Yes.  Yes I do.”  She nodded with a satisfied grin.  “Okay, I’ve got one for you.”  And so I continued our marathon of dirty jokes.

            “So, what do you think?”  Jade asked with a huge, dumb grin.  I stared at her, but I didn’t

really see her.  I saw through her, out the window.  I thought about Jack and the last time I saw him. 

            “I don’t know.  It’s only been a week since I ran into him at the coffee shop.  Besides, I don’t think he’d be that excited to see me.” 

            “Oh, shut your face!”  She responded quickly.  “I’m sure he’s been dying to see you.  Even if he hasn’t, come on, it’ll be fun to hang out at the diner, don’ you think?  They have the best pancakes in the world . . .”  Taunting me with pancakes will never work.  No, not the thought of hot, gooey, buttery, delicious . . .

            “Okay, okay.  I’m in.”  A small grin stretched across my face, but fell off when Jade jumped up and dragged me to her room.  Adam just sat on the couch watching and laughing at us.  Right before slamming the door to my room, she yelled for Adam to call Jack and that we’d be there in twenty minutes.

            Exactly twenty minutes later, Jade and I stood at the front door of the diner.  I started to regret agreeing to this, but I had to admit that Jade did an amazing job with my appearance.  I guess anything looks better than those clown pants with that tee shirt that’s two sizes too big and two different, brightly colored socks on.  The warm night breeze squeezed softly past us.  Jade waited for me to go in first, while I waited for us to disappear.  I could see Jack and Adam laughing it up near the back of the diner in a corner booth.  The dark night air pressed against the window next to them, but they acted as though it were a bright summer day, without a care in the world.

            “I wish I could be that easy going.”  I muttered under my breath.

            “Mia.  What has happened you?”  Jade turned me toward her and looked me straight in the eye.  “You use to be so much fun and easy going, exactly like that.”  She pointed to Jack and Adam.  Jack’s back was to us, but I could see his shoulders rise and fall with each sharp breath involved with laughter.  I shook my head.

            “I don’t know.”  The wheels in my head turned as I thought about her question.  I realized then that my world had been drained of all color and light and replaced with the dark, dreary, hateful world that now stood before me, day in and day out.  Then I thought about Jack and some color emerged.  “I think this will help.”  I watched the concerned creases on her face slowly dissolve.  They didn’t go away completely, but enough to make me feel better.

            Jade opened the door and I walked in.  The ding of the door made Adam look up.  Jack turned and saw us.  A huge smile spread across his face.  I don’t know if it was for me or Jade.

            The four of us stood in front of the diner.  My stomach was completely filled with those world famous pancakes and coffee.  Jack and Adam lived east of the diner, while Jade and I lived west.  The ends of our stories and jokes had come and gone, leaving us to stand in silence.  Jade dragged Adam away from Jack and I to say their goodbyes.  I always dread these moments, because I always want them to come, but then I screw them up by not knowing what to do.  Jack glanced away for a moment as a car whizzed by.

            “It’s one in the morning.  I wonder what people are still doing out?”  Jack replied.

            “They’re probably wondering the same thing about us.”   The words came out softer than I had anticipated.

            “Yeah, probably.”  We stood in silence. 

            “It was really nice to see you again.  We should all hang out like this again sometime soon.”  Jack agreed, but a cloud seemed to pass over his eyes for a split second.  I said goodnight and touched his arm as I headed towards home.  I passed Jade and Adam making out.  As I slowly took the steps up to the front door, I glanced over towards the diner.  Jack had just left the spot where we had stood and slowly made his way back home.  I took a deep breath and thought about my nice warm bed waiting for me.

            I stared blankly at the white Christmas lights that blinked on and off in an indistinguishable pattern.  Stirring my naked coffee, I listened to the strange conversations between the guy behind-the-counter and one of the regular customers.  My fourth cup of coffee was full and just waited to burn away my tastebuds and skin the roof of my mouth.  I learned from the first three that I shouldn’t drink it so soon, but this one had been sitting for awhile.  I bet it’s cool enough to drink. 

            I went for it.  I took a sip and nearly choked on it.  My God, that was hot.  The continuous  flow of the rising steam should have been some type of warning.  It swirled around, mocking me.

            “Here, this might help.”  The man from behind-the-counter was no longer behind the counter.  Instead, he stood before me with a glass of ice water.  With a shaky hand, I reached for it and began gulping it down.

            “Thanks, Will.”  My words came out raspy.  He glanced out the window.  The grey sky was a great backdrop for the white Christmas lights.

            “I don’t think she’s coming, Mia.”  I looked down into my coffee.

            “No.  No, I guess not.”

            “Mind if I join you?”

            “You on a break?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Then, sure.”  Will took the seat across from me and yelled to someone named Lisa that he needed a coffee.  He glanced at me and then  yelled to make that two Irish coffees.  I truly liked the sound of that.

            “You okay?”  He asked with a concerned look.

            “Sure.  Why not?”  I could feel the sarcasm drip like drool from the corners of my mouth.  This supposed Lisa brought over two white mugs, which were filled with something that smelled delicious with a hint of coffee.  They weren’t as hot as my actual cup of coffee and that first sip was sheer bliss.

            “Mm, Bailey’s?”  I asked, taking another sip.  Will grinned and nodded.

            “You looked like you really needed it.”

            “You guys don’t have a liquor license.”

            “No, but we keep a bottle stashed for emergencies.  Mainly emergencies involving employees, but you’re practically family here.”  I smiled.  It faded quickly, though.

            “I knew she wasn’t coming.”  Again, the words came out much softer than I had expected.

            “Then why do you keep looking out the window?”

            “Cause it’s pretty out.”

            “Okay, then why do you look so lonely?”

            “What?”

            “You keep looking out the window as if you were waiting for someone, but they never come.”

            “That’s really sad and depressing.”

            “Just calling ‘em like I see ‘em.”

            “Whatever.  Besides, I was waiting for Jade, but she called and cancelled.”

            “Then why are you still here?”

            “Where else should I be?”

            “I don’t know.  Maybe at work?”  I looked down into my coffee.  “You know, you’ve been around here a lot lately.  Your hours get cut or something?”

            “Yeah.  Something like that.  Look, I’ve gotta get going.  I forgot, I, uh, have to be somewhere.”  I quickly began gathering my things.  Will stood up when I did.

            “Do you want me to call you a cab?”

            “What?  No.  No, I’m fine.  Thank you so much for the Irish coffee.  I really appreciate it.  I’ll see you around.”  I walked away.

            “Mia.  I’m worried about you.”  The concern in his voice stopped me.  I had the door part way open and the cold air shoved its way inside.  I glanced back at him.

            “Well.  Don’t be.”  The ding signaled my exit to those who cared.