I have a new friend!

         Fulton is home for Joyce, but she's been away for many years paving her road to, and gathering the flowers of, her success. Her job requires a lot of travel, however, it allowed her to choose her home base and she chose to actually come home.  As people ask me, I asked Joyce, why here? Her reply, as is mine, is complex, multifaceted and difficult to pin point.  Generally having to do with spirituality, peace and in Joyce's case -family. Whatever the case, I'm happy she's here and happy to have a new friend.

        Not that there's been any dearth of friends the three years I've been here in Fulton. I live next door to my favorite Rosa and spend most of my time with best friend Sue. Mercedes and Kathy were two of my earliest friends and though Helen is hard to catch up with I always know she's there if I need her. I was welcomed to Fulton most warmly by Nelda and Beth, I’m just getting to know Sheryl and Norma, and I'm looking forward to spending more time with Delois, Gladys, Avanell and the elusive Peggys.  Gentle soft-spoken Joan is a wonderful friend and  I speak to Betty at least twice a week on the phone, by far more than to anyone else; and Betty’s daughter Bertha, in Wisconsin has become an unexpected, new friend. Mitzi keeps me grounded, Polly without fail, makes me laugh and Sarah calls when she's baked fresh bread

and keeps my spare key at her house.

         As noted psychotherapists, Goldberg and Lichtman, state:

 “We can say without a doubt that intimate friendships have always been important to women. But have you noticed that they've become even more so as you face the transitions of children growing up and parents growing older? Findings from a recent MacArthur Foundation Study indicate that the emotional security and social support that these relationships provide for women have been a survival strategy for them in adversity. In fact, friendship is one of the keys to a long and more satisfying life.” 

           My first college room mate lives in Chicago but visits as often as she can and my favorite college sorority sister from 40 years ago, lives in Birmingham but calls regularly. Yet, not all rewards have to come from “traditional friends.”  The children, Ashley and Teniqua from the August column certainly enriched my arrival in Fulton; and I have a new student – friend, Donette, who jumped right through the screen of my online psychology course and became my friend

           Additionally, I have three biological sister- friends, a wise adult daughter -friend and a just barely coming into her own- 14 year old, granddaughter-friend. 

How blessed am I !

         Dr. Peg  (April column) my colleague, mentee and good Denver friend and I,  jokingly  tell each other that we miss each other when we've had a tough day by calling and saying "Hi, my oxytocins are low."   Through peals of laughter, we are acknowledging that we always feel better when we've spent time together; and we are referencing the UCLA study that suggests "...when women friends spend time together, more of the hormone oxytocin is released counteracting stress and producing a calming effect."...and, I might add, in our case producing occasional bouts of taco chip and brandy induced giddiness and foolishness :-).

          Scientifically speaking, again, as noted by Goldberg and Lichtman :

         Last week,  I observed this recently discovered, wonderful phenomenon of women's friendship, as I entered and sat behind four differently aged women, in Union City at the Hollywood Showcase’s 4 o’clock matinee.  They were obviously playing hooky from family, work and an assortment of afternoon responsibilities. Even though my seat was a few rows back I couldn’t help but overhear the unfinished inside jokes, see smiles and glances that spoke more than their words and marvel at tossed heads, caressing hands, and body language that fawned and touched without actually touching. What an absolute wonder! From a psychological perspective, they were more fun than the movie. The movie was actually only average. Yet, somehow, I left the theater feeling really great and almost light- headed …. from what I can only imagine must have been oxytocin overflow! J

Women and Friendship: The Gift You Give Yourself

1. Appreciate your friends and give these relationships the time and attention they need in order to blossom. Turning to other women for support can provide some of the strength to help you cope.

 2. Women’s friendships can be complicated. What you need from each other, and the intensity and frequency of these needs, can lead to some misunderstandings. Hang in there during the rough periods.

 3. Friendships change throughout life. When you're young, friends help form your identity. In adolescence, with peer pressure, your sense of self depends on what you see reflected in their eyes. When you know who you are, how friends see you seems less important. 

 4. No one friend is able to meet all of your needs. As you mature, your focus turns more to qualities such as compatibility, trust, empathy, and respect. When you go through challenges, different friends may provide support, validation, and comfort.

 5. Friends buffer the effects of distress and are a source of meaning and purpose at painful times. You may be tempted to pull away in an effort to deal with difficulties on your own, but this is the time to stay bonded with those who understand you. 

 6. It may be difficult for you to ask for help if you’re used to being the one who provides it. Perhaps you believe that your self-esteem comes from not needing to depend on others. Now is the time to recognize that, being human, you can receive as well as give support.  

 7. Don't hesitate to buddy up with a friend who is going through similar changes. Accept her love and encouragement as you allow her to feel good about being able to help you. Your friends can provide a supportive network, only if you let them in.

 8. Giving as well as receiving support is beneficial. When you offer as well as accept friendship, you'll find you are healthier over time.
Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. &
Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D.
 <http://issues-about-women.blogspot.com/2008/04/boomer-women-and-friendship-gift-you.html> 

As always,
Good psychology to you,
Dr. B.

 …and Welcome Home, Joyce!